Let’s begin by discussing exactly what a “coaster” is in terms of toxic relationships.
For me, it meant attracting that person that did not have the desire to ‘work’ as hard as I worked in relationships.
I had a tendency to attract ‘coasters’. A coaster in my relationships was a partner that did not feel the need to do more or be more. They were very content with where they were in life when it came to jobs and finances. They had no desire to grow, to be more or do more.
I did not fully grasp their intention until I was already emotionally attached in the relationship.
I believe a big part of attracting this type of toxic relationship was due to my independence. They felt that I was capable of taking care of myself, Ms. Go-Getter, climbing the corporate ladder, making my own money, not relying on them for anything which was good enough for them.
They were content with where they were in life and had no desire to grow or to contribute more than they had to in the relationship making it a one-way hell hole.
The more I contributed in the relationship, the less they showed up. This was always the catalyst in all of my toxic relationships that lead me move on.
I saw myself outgrowing them by leaps and bounds, somehow that always gave me the strength to say enough was enough.
As always, when I began to recognize the signs right in front of my face, it brought me to the realization they did not have the desire to attain working as hard ever.
I will share with you the same signs experienced each time that I allowed myself to be duped:
- No motivation
- No goals
- No hustle mentally, emotionally or financially
- Minimal monetary contribution
- Paying for meals and dates 99% of the time
Sadly, the more I would express my concern about them not moving forward, not making a plan with their life, not showing up fully in our relationship or just contributing to their own life as a whole, the more they checked out.
The harder they pushed back it gave them a justification for being an asshole, defensive, disrespectful and playing the blame game.
According to them, I was the problem not them. I needed to chill, I was being selfish or too confrontational if I spoke up and expressed my disdain for the situation.
Basically they had a put up and shut up mentality.
In their mind, my only job was to continue financially supporting the relationship, like I was their puppet on a string. And, sometimes, I would shut down just to have peace of mind, to keep from arguing endlessly about the same thing.
This approach would make them feel like they won some prize for being a stupid ass and they would get even worse, purposely contributing even less or doing nothing at all.
Not even a remote attempt to attain anything more as they continued coasting.
It was not until I was depleted, worn out and tired of the one-way relationship with no reciprocation that I would finally just walk away feeling defeated yet again.
When you choose to engage, ultimately this unhealthy dynamic will carry over into all areas of your life. Mentally, emotionally, financially, immediate close relationships and even spiritually if it gets bad enough.
My advice as a Relationship and Transformation Life Coach is to walk away. Your life will get better. I know mine did each time I walked away.
Unfortunately, my biggest problem is that it always too me entirely too long to walk away.
I gave them countless chances which ultimately drained me and affected my finances drastically. I should have walked away long before I finally got up the courage to leave.
Whatever you do, always look at them as lessons even when you can’t see it while you are in the midst of it all. In hindsight, you will thank yourself.
Each chapter that closed for me was a lesson of growth, maturity and wisdom.
Find a way to look at the lesson so that it makes you better and not bitter.
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